it sanctifies our lives;
it reinforces compassion and love where it did exist and makes room for it grow where it didn't exist before.
According to those same social psychologists and behaviorists, giving is not just an effect of an internal emotional or cognitive process. It is a cause. By giving--by acting as if--we create a feedback loop that creates an emotional or cognitive matrix. Daryl Bern, Ph.D. explains that we deduce our attitudes from our behaviors, which is why so many rehabilitation programs use slogans such as: Move a Muscle--Change A Thought or Act As If. If you act as if you care long enough and consistently enough, you begin to believe it. If you act like a sober adult, soon enough you begin to feel like one.
The danger is when we are so intent on giving that we forget to let others give to us. We're so busy being the givers, we leave them no opportunity. According to Ellen J. Langler, "the person who attends to a"suitor's every need and asks for nothing in return may come to care more and more for that person. But that person [the giver] may be cared for less and less in return because the suitor is not being given the same chance to feel effective. We mistakenly think we will lose a partner's affection by burdening him or her with our requests for favors or acceptance of gifts. Attending to someone else's needs leads to affection for that person. Discouraging a desired potential suitor from giving, then, is clearly the wrong strategy for fostering affection." If giving is the glue of the relationship, then receiving is the vise that lets the glue take hold.
Some Seasonal Pointers For Giving Stresslessly
A good gift is a good match--not for us, for the recipient. If you've never ever seen Johnny watching spectator sports but you get him tickets to the Rose Bowl because you think it would be "good for him," who's the gift for? You or Johnny?
A good gift shows some thought, but it isn't overdone. Giving beyond your means is not only stressful to you, it may be awkward for the recipient or perceived as excessive. Keep the gift loving but appropriate to the relationship, especially when you're giving to co-workers.
A good gift demonstrates your feelings about the relationship and how you value it. It doesn't have to be expensive or flamboyant. The best gifts are often the gifts that show someone was paying attention all year, for instance, remembering the time your friend, Joan, commented on how much she liked a pair of gloves she saw in a catalog or how your colleague, Rob, wanted a particular DVD. Simple things, perhaps. But important.
Good gifts show some effort on your part, not something you picked up at a local supermarket while you were in the toy aisle.
A good gift should NEVER symbolize your dissatisfaction with another person or make a statement about how you wish they would give up smoking, lose weight, or tone up. A good gift speaks of acceptance.
A good gift is almost never a joke. A joke has a time and place. A birthday or a special holiday is usually not it.
A good gift is something someone would probably not get himself. According to Margaret Rucker, a professor of textiles and an expert in the science of gifting, "It's not a gift if it has a cord attached."
Some Pointers on Receiving Well
Say thank you and put a period at the end of it. Refrain from repeating "You shouldn't have," or "Oh, this is too much," or, the worst, "How could you possibly afford to do this?"
Acknowledge any anxiety you experience and file it away for later. Express only joy and gratitude. Let people know that you have received their kindness and their love.
Remember that receiving a person's love is a gift to him or her.
