| It's not what happens, it's
what you pay attention to and the way you interpret what happens that dictates whether you
respond happily or unhappily. Nothing you experience has any meaning until you filter it
through your background, your memories, and your immediate needs. Billy, four, and
Sarah, six, are elated about making cookies with Daddy as a surprise treat for Mommy, when
she gets home from shopping. A key turns in the door lock; they wait, with cute,
icing-smudged smiles, eagerly anticipating Mommy's delight at their happy surprise. Dana,
upset after getting stuck in traffic enroute, rushes in, greeted by the cookies and the
kids' and Daddy's glowing faces. Then she sees the sticky hands, the messy mixing bowls,
and the cluttered kitchen counter. ''Oh no!''she exclaims irritably.''What a disaster! Who
made this mess?'' In a fury she starts cleaning up immediately.
Dana's reaction is understandable, but it costs her what could have been a very special
moment. This is a situation she'll probably laugh about in a week, but she won't let
herself experience the fun of the moment. Her hurry and irritability act as filters that
darken her attitude instead brightening it so she can laugh and smile, hug her family and
grab her opportunity to feel great. Opportunities to clean the house come far more often
than chances to immerse yourself in joyful, gleeful family moments. Try to make the
filters that color your experiences bright, optimistic and flexible.
When your filters get locked into negative attitude, you develop a rigid approach which
cannot successfully respond to changes. Dana was stuck with a stagnant chunk of memory
about her miserable ride home which became a negative filter. If she could have made a a
slightly faster, more flexible filter change, Dana would have enjoyed a heartwarming
moment and warm cookies with her loving family. Instead, she emotionally locked herself
into an irritating hassle that pushed her loved ones away, reinforcing and perpetuating
her negative attitude. |
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Past experience can set your
filters up to see in either a positive, optimistic or negative, pessimistic light. Filters
are necessary, but maladaptive filters can make you miserable. Positive, automatic filter
patterns can make you happier and help you to see the best in life. Your world is what
your mind says it is. Your autobiographical memory helps define who you are and determines
how you perceive the world. We know our "autobiographical memories" can be
changed by viewing them through the light of later events. This can help you take control
of your attitude If you load up your filters with positive memories (even ones that used
to be negative, but you reviewed and re-framed them with a new, more mature perspective.),
and pay more attention to recent positive experiences in your life, you’ll see more
of the positives in it.
Rob Kall, M.Ed., is a counselor, Biofeedback trainer and personal coach, and
Rhonda Greenberg Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and personal coach at
The Center for Optimal Living
211 No. Sycamore Street,
Newtown, PA 18940
smile @cis.compuserve.com http://www.futurehealth.org
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