A clear pure note
In the silence.
The women and men like L and her husband, who confront seemingly insurmountable reproductive difficulties, persevere. But many discover few answers and find themselves increasingly disconnected from one another on more ordinary planes: What to do with their free time, what to think about when they go to bed, and what to talk about over dinnerà ? ? if it's not about getting pregnant.
One insightful patient, R, comments: Ã ? ...?After so many years of such focus, such intensity of purpose, I would sit down with H and I didn't know what to say anymore. I had started seeing him as a semen donor and little more. I didn't know who I was without a baby, I didn't know him anymore as a husband, and I didn't know what we would be together if we were not going to be parents.Ã ? Â
Striking A Balance
Persevering on the path is strength. To keep your center is to endure.(Tao 33)
Women (and men) pursue fertility with a vengeance. Unfortunately, what they lose at times is their centerà ? ? the knowledge that who they are does not need to depend on circumstance for definition, clarity, or peace.
à ? ...?If I'm not a mother,à ?  laments one client, C, à ? ...?who am I?à ? Â
Who, indeed. It was a matter that merited serious consideration and time for quite a few sessions.
Who are we if not all of ità ? ? our expectations, our dreams, our accomplishments, and our failures? Are we our circumstancesà ? ? our jobs, our friends, our adventures and misadventures? Are we our holdingsà ? ? our bank accounts, our Judith Lieber pocketbooks, our Kosta Boda crystal? Are our identities a function of family? Are we our images or the secrets we reveal to no one?
In our culture, we believe that every good act should beà ? ? indeed, must beà ? ? rewarded, and we expect immediate gratification from our doctors. When we don't get the expected reward, many people interpret that to mean that their lives have been à ? ...?wrongà ?  and that they are à ? ...?no good,à ?  à ? ...?failures,à ?  à ? ...?losers.à ?  Self-esteem shatters and where before there was hope, now lays shame. How many times have women said to me, à ? ...?What's the matter with me that I can't do what every other woman does?à ?  I couldn't begin to count.
C, like so many other would-be mothers, works hard to find a balanceà ? ? to stand comfortably with having and not having, between difficult and easy, letting high and low rest on one another, and learning that beginning and ending inevitably follow again and again.
